Why we want what we want?

Have you ever wondered why you suddenly want the latest gadget, crave a career change, or feel unfulfilled after achieving something you thought you wanted? I recently explored these questions through Luke Burgis’s book, Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life. 

As the title suggests, the book is about how our desires are shaped. The book is based on the ideas of French philosopher René Girard who suggested that desires are not autonomous or independent but rather generated through the imitation of what someone else has already desired or perceived to desire.

Luke explained this idea through many examples in the book. Mimesis is something we all have been doing since birth. That is how we learn new things. Desires are no different. Younger siblings often tend to want what older siblings want. In this case, the older sibling serves as a ‘model’ for the younger sibling. As we grow, we get in touch with more people and many of them simultaneously act as models for shaping our desires.

The models can be anyone. They can be celebrities or our co-workers. Celebrities are often copied openly. This is why companies use them to promote their product. They show the celebrities wanting their product, and by mimesis, people watching them also want the same product. This is less harmful since there is a space, time, or social status barrier separating us from those models.

While celebrities influence us from afar, the people closest to us often shape our desires more subtly—and sometimes more powerfully. This can result in mimetic rivalry. They affect our desires and we affect theirs. Think about companies developing similar products. One nice example in the book goes like this: Artist A has a high school degree, so artist B gets a B.F.A. This is followed by artist A getting a B.F.A. Artist B then gets an M.F.A. When artist A also gets an M.F.A., artist B gets a doctorate. The rivalry goes on. They both affect what the other one wants. Sometimes the imitation is mirrored. They look opposite, but it is in the end an imitation. As an example, one friend buys Ferarri and the other friend buys a Lamborghini. A quote from the book: “If people are forced to think, feel, and want the same things, they intensely fight to differentiate themselves.”

Many of the desires are shaped by systems. For example, if we are in a school, we want to get good grades. That’s because the entire system is designed to reward that. All the other students want good grades, and so do we. Other examples of systems are social media and the venture capital industry. During my Ph.D. I felt being part of the system where academics are expected to publish more papers.

Luke compares this concept of mimetic desires with gravity. It exists and we are affected by it. If we learn about it, we can use it to our advantage. If left untouched, we spend our lives chasing mimetic desires that ultimately leave us unfulfilled.

Luke distinguishes between thick and thin desires. Thick desires take a long time to form and solidify. They are based on core values. They have meaning and are enduring. Whereas, thin desires are rooted in superficial things. They keep changing with models. When those desires are fulfilled, we don’t feel that happy about it.

To identify our thick desires, we should look back in our lives and list down some of the deeply fulfilling experiences we have had. If we try to find a pattern in them, we might be able to identify how our thick desires are forming. Luke suggests sharing them with others and listening to other people’s deeply fulfilling experiences as well. This can also make us more empathetic which eventually leads to disrupting negative cycles of mimesis.

Luke has presented many tactics to avoid getting trapped into thin desires. Here are some of my favorites:

• Name your models: We should try to identify who might have caused our desires. Naming the models gives us more control. Similarly, mapping out the system of desires can be helpful.
• Create boundaries with unhealthy models: If we find ourselves copying thin desires from someone, create distance from them.
• Create a hierarchy of values: Desires are driven by values as well. Luke suggests we should list our values and rank them. If the values are not clear, or a priority is not clear when they collide, mimesis is likely to take place.
• Invest in deep silence: Once in a while, take a break from social media and spend some time alone. This helps with clearing our mind and identify our thick desires.
• Share stories of deeply fulfilling actions: explained above.

Looking back at my life, I can see many of my desires being shaped by people around me. For example, I wanted to do a Ph.D. because I was working in a research product area, and most of my colleagues had a Ph.D. Similarly, I can identify models for many of my other desires as well.

Luke has given some motivational themes (MCODE) for helping people identify their thick desires. To identify a thick desire, Luke asks participants what were their deeply fulfilling experiences. They could be from any point in their life. It might not feel special to others, but it has to feel special to them. The experience itself is not enough, the reason why it felt so fulfilling is also equally important. When I tried to list down some of my fulfilling experiences, I found that my thick desires are shaped by ‘Excel’ model. I find it fulfilling when I do my absolute best and exceed the performance and expectations of those around me. Some examples include Winning MIP computational competition, Getting my first job at Google, Scoring AIR 10 in GATE exam, Doing better than my teachers in a math exam in high school.

Realizing how many of my desires have been shaped by others was both humbling and liberating. It’s an ongoing process, but identifying my thick desires can help me make choices. What about you? What experiences have shaped your most fulfilling desires? I would love to listen to your fulfilling experiences as well. Please share them with me here or in private! 

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Quote: “To attain real happiness, humans need to slow down the pursuit of pleasant sensations, not accelerate it.”— Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harari

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